Feeling sad...

this morning my friend lost the battle with breast cancer... i'm filled with sadness at a life cut short... she will be missed...

Still Hanging In There...

so how am i doing?... not so great... the month of september has been a rough one... i'm not complaining, not making excuses... simply documenting this journey i'm on... i'm so absolutely and totally convinced that raw food is right for me, but i'm struggling right now to even keep up my 80% raw food lifestyle... i have a good friend fighting breast cancer and these last few months were really rough... last week she coded, but was revived... this week she is expected to --- i can't say the word... i'm still praying and hoping for a miracle, but i'm asking God for the ability to deal with this whatever the outcome... food has always been my drug of choice... and these last few months i've been overdosing... i'm grateful that i've been at least able to keep up with my green juicing and although i have been making REALLY BAD CHOICES (like sugar filled snacks and candy), i've been able to hold back at least a little... i haven't had a full out binge so i know God is here helping me... and just when i thought i was going to lose my momentum, i found a book and dvd both called "raw food made easy" by jennifer cornbleet which is helping me tremendously... additionally God set up a conference JUST FOR ME (isn't He an awesome God?)!!!... it's taking place in a week and a half on october 10th... there will be a raw food chef there and i'm so excited about it i feel like a kid waiting for christmas... in the midst of this storm, God is here and i'm hanging on to Him... can't do anything by myself... praying for my friend and her family... feeling really really sad... i don't want her to suffer, but selfishly, i don't want her to go either... i know i'll see her again either here or.... i'm rambling... need to focus... blood pressure is holding steady and normal without meds... blood sugar is still high, but lower today than it has been over the last two weeks... if i can't get it under control within the next two weeks i'll have to start taking some meds to lower it... this minute it's 137 but it was up to 305 at one point this week!!!... i'd eaten a bunch of mini candy bars and crazy desserts on saturday at a potluck acting like i didn't have a problem at all... as much as food is my drug of choice, as in illicit drug use, i have also chosen to make food my drug of choice, as in medicinal healing use... i'm just having a little difficulty right now... but i feel a change coming... i've been inspired to continue my journey... to get back up again... get back up again... i won't turn back... i've come too far and i feel too good... did i mention that i'm not getting back on the scale for a while??... maybe i didn't.. well, after losing nearly 20 lbs. in the first two months of this journey, i had a 2 lb. set back and felt soooo discouraged that i made a decision... when i started this journey, it was supposed to be about health and my focus was NOT supposed to be about numbers on the scale... but i got caught up in the weightloss and my focus began to shift... so when i gained 2 lbs i had a moment where i felt like what i was doing was a total waste of time and for a fleeting moment i wanted to just quit... but then i reminded myself that this is NOT about weight for me... this journey is about HEALTH... and IF a byproduct of my healthy choices results in my losing weight, then so be it... but regardless of what a scale says, i'm continuing on my journey... my clothes definitely are saying that i'm taking up less space in the world than i was 4 months ago... lol... i even had a couple people tell me to get real and buy some new clothes... lol... not yet... i'll just stop wearing the ones that are falling off me now... anyway, this has been such a rambling post... can't stop thinking about my friend... guess i'll stop rambling now and go wipe my tears away... WAIT!... i just had a breakthrough... when i'm crying, i don't eat or feel hungry... when i DON'T allow myself to feel, i eat irrationally... guess it's ok to cry... lol... maybe i'll actually deal with how i'm really feeling today...