Off again...

i'm tired of getting on the wagon and falling off again, then getting back on and falling off yet again... right now i just don't feel like getting back on... maybe it's because i have a little cold today... maybe it's because of the unexpected drama that has recently come my way (which i really don't feel like talking about)... but whatever the reason, i'm struggling to just stay positive today... don't get me wrong... i'm grateful to be alive... grateful to be surrounded by people who love me... grateful for all the "stuff" i have... but even though my countenance appears to be positive, i know for sure that i'm expressing my hurt/pain through my relationship with food... i KNOW that what i need to do is deal with the hurt/pain/fear/anger/frustration head on, but KNOWING something and DOING something are two entirely different things... i haven't been eating well, haven't been sleeping well, haven't been exercising regularly... so it's no wonder i got sick... my immune system is shot right about now and i'm struggling to try and care... anyway, i think i needed to write about this to at least get myself to contemplate getting back on the wagon again... i don't know why i thought this journey was going to be all peaches and cream... well, it's NOT... and now i don't even want to get on a scale to see what kind of damage i've done... right now, not knowing is my best option... we'll see how long i keep this up... i just need prayer-- for discipline, for the ability to be totally honest with myself and for the ability to deal with my emotions and not use food as some sort of pacifier... ok... enough... i need to get outta here...