This is really hard....

not sure what i'm going through right now, but this sprained back is still not completely healed as yet and it's been nearly three MONTHS now... i don't have to take any pain meds anymore, but i'm still not totally pain free and i'm having trouble walking for more than about a hundred feet at a time... it totally sucks and i think i'm going into some kind of depression or something, but i'm trying to ward off those feelings... i feel like my progress has been sabotaged and i feel like i'm volunteering myself for the slaughter... i keep making bad choices when it comes to food and my relationship with what i ingest is not a good one... this is so hard... i just need prayer for complete healing and restoration so that i can get back to my regular exercise routine... in the words of Smokie Norful, Lord, "not another second, not another minute... I need you NOW"...

Getting older sucks!...

ok... so the day after my last post my left knee became severely inflamed and i ended up laid up in my bed using crutches to get 10 feet to the bathroom... i had to take two days off work and couldn't figure out what went wrong... ultimately i thought the whole multiple meals per day with protein at each meal worked well, although it did make me a little nauseous... and then i did some online surfing to check out why my knee was inflamed and found out that there is some correlation between high protein diets and inflammatory joint disease... great!!... so i was bummed, but felt that i should have "listened" to my body when i got queasy with all the protein... i didn't and ended up with knee issues... my knee is now almost 100% fine, but leaning precariously forward on those crutches threw my back into a severe spasm which is still causing me issues... i've been on pain and anti-inflammatory meds for the last two weeks and having to use riding carts in stores to get around... i've become nearly vegetarian in the last three weeks and it seems to be helping somewhat, but i've been reminded of something that i already know... "if it's not broken, don't fix it"... i was successfully healing and losing weight simply adding a large amount of raw whole foods to my diet without rules or restrictions... i didn't have any colds, sinus infections, inflammatory issues, etc... i tried to make an "adjustment" and add protein to my plan and now i'm nursing a sprained back with a serious spasm... i just want to get back to being pain free and independently mobile... not sure when i'll post next... hopefully i'll be feeling better soon...

Continuing on...

so i've been doing different things this last week... read a book about alternating daily intake to "confuse" the body and also began reading a couple books about carb cycling... so i tried my own modification of it and yesterday i got on the scale and i'm now officially back to my 25 lb. weight loss... i like the concept so far, because it requires me to be unrestricted some of the time... makes it easier to "be good" for a period of time, especially if i know i'm going to HAVE to "be bad" for it to continue to work... i know this sounds confusing... but i'm just experimenting with it right now to see if it works... i'm almost sick of protein though... so not sure how long this will last... but i'm happy that i got rid of my "holiday weight"... anyway, there's a whole lot more "me weight" that i have to try and eliminate so i hope that i'm able to continue on this path... haven't been eating as much raw food as i think i should these last few weeks so i have to make a concerted effort to do that... so just needed to check in today... been a while as usual... i'll be back whenever... lol

Insanity...

ok... so i did the ten days sugar free and then had my three free days -- or rather three binge days... i found myself eating things i just don't eat... like i had a "suzie-Q" (kind of like a chocolate twinkie)... i had several different hamburgers in the three days... about three... i had chinese food... i think i ate enough rice to feed a family of four for a day... i bought keebler mint chocolate grasshopper cookies... crazy... if i hadn't set a limit on the "free" days, i might have landed up in the hospital in a diabetic coma... funny, but not... i don't know what i was thinking... i wasn't even physically craving the sugar... it was like i was trying to get as much sugar as i could get in my system... not sure why... anyway, my binge was over and yesterday morning i checked my weight and BGL before starting another sugar-free cycle... i was 357 lbs with a BGL of 246... whacky... that was NOT the plan... anyway, this is the end of day two and i'm feeling better already... i think i'll do this for at least the weekdays... maybe i'll do free weekends... not sure yet... anyway, it's time for bed...

Day 10 Sugar-Free!

ok... so last night i ALMOST blew it!... i was feeling like having something sweet and i almost pulled out a package of sugar-free gum (which might have triggered my hunt for real sugar although i don't know why that happens)... i actually held it in my hand and looked at it, then i thought it would be so sad to come so far and fail in the last 36 hours... so i put it back and had some diet root beer instead and then fell asleep... so today is day ten... my last day for this cycle!!!... and this morning i woke up with a BGL of 136!!!... that is truly awesome!!... the "dawn effect" is getting better... i'm planning on not going overboard on my three "cheat" days... i'm supposed to just eat regularly, but i hope i don't lose it... anyway, i have to get on the scale in the morning so i think i should be ok for the day... i have less than 24 hours to go... can't wait to have a fruit smoothie WITH agave nectar in it tomorrow morning... lol... crazy isn't it?... eating all this protein is great for the first few days, but right now i'm almost feeling like being vegetarian is a distinct possibility... never thought i'd get tired of eating or tired of eggs, beans and meat... i've still been eating about 50% raw on a daily basis and i'm not tired of the salads or greens yet... :) ... go greens!!... go fruit!!... i think that eating multiple small meals per day is a good thing... i'm contemplating just eating small every two to three hours and i want to see if just doing that helps me control this "dawn effect"... by noon my BGL is always SIGNIFICANTLY lower than the morning and stays that way the rest of the day... i go to sleep with decent levels and then wake up with crazy numbers... i know i'm not eating in my sleep, so i'm always confused about why my body is dumping sugar into my blood while i'm sleeping... well this morning was great!!... it's about 84 points lower in the morning than it was nine mornings ago... if i can get to morning numbers in the double digits i'll be ecstatic!!!... anyway, i need to plan for the weekend... :) ... i'm feeling GREAT!!!

Calorie Shifting...

ok... so i'm on day six doing this thing... i think it's called calorie shifting but i'm not sure... most things i've read refer to shifting the AMOUNT of calories per day which requires major attention to detail and daily counting of calories which clearly will NOT work for me... so i'm trying something else which requires me to eat six small meals a day but i don't have to count any calories :) ... i'm just shifting the TYPE of calories i'm consuming... we shall see how this works... i committed to ten days and what i've noticed so far is that my morning BGL is dropping (which is a VERY good thing)... it's dropped by 50 points since i started this!... i haven't gotten on the scale and i won't until the morning of day 11, which is Friday... anyway, i have zero cravings and only felt hungry once because i was out and couldn't eat as soon as i should have... i drank water and that helped until i was able to get home and fix my small meal... anyway, my BGL this morning was 161 and I'm happy about that... i don't understand this "dawn effect" with my BGL, but I'm hoping this even keel BGL throughout the day fixes it... that alone would make this all worth it...

On again....

ok... so on monday, february 22nd, i got up and decided that i was going to go back on a plan... i've been thinking about it for a while and trying to figure out what next plan would work best for me... the goal is to create lifestyle changes that i can continue to maintain and do for a lifetime... so i'm still doing high raw food consumption because i like it, it's easy for me and it seems to keep my immune system in check... but i'm definitely not ready to be vegetarian... so it meant that monday i had to face the music and get on the scale and check my morning blood sugar level... it was horrible... my weight was at 358... i gained 9 lbs since thanksgiving holiday... at least i didn't gain it ALL back... but now that i know, i'm ok with it... not happy about it, but not ready to just throw in the towel either... i've taken "two steps forward and one step back", but i'm still ahead of where i was and i'm still heading in the right direction... my BGL was 210 that morning... not good... but i've been doing my thing now for five days of this 11 day cycle and i've been peeing like crazy (drinking 10 glasses per day minimum of water)... i'm off all refined carbs for a total of 11 days... my BGL before bed last night was 140 and this morning was 170... i'm not getting back on the scale for another week because i don't want the numbers to rule me... i've been planning for and eating SIX small meals per day... i haven't been hungry a single bit, but six times is pretty challenging... after next week i think i'll do four meals a day or maybe five at the most... we'll see... anyway, i'm grateful to be given yet another opportunity to improve my health and lose some weight... when i continue to fall off the wagon over and over again, all i can ask of myself is to get back up again... so i did... this is definitely a long ride... i honestly didn't think my journey would be like this... didn't think i'd veer off course so many times... but it is what it is... and i'm grateful that i'm still here... thankful that i haven't given up... i'm gonna make it... with God on my side, i'll make it... sleep is calling me and i need to answer... :)

Off again...

i'm tired of getting on the wagon and falling off again, then getting back on and falling off yet again... right now i just don't feel like getting back on... maybe it's because i have a little cold today... maybe it's because of the unexpected drama that has recently come my way (which i really don't feel like talking about)... but whatever the reason, i'm struggling to just stay positive today... don't get me wrong... i'm grateful to be alive... grateful to be surrounded by people who love me... grateful for all the "stuff" i have... but even though my countenance appears to be positive, i know for sure that i'm expressing my hurt/pain through my relationship with food... i KNOW that what i need to do is deal with the hurt/pain/fear/anger/frustration head on, but KNOWING something and DOING something are two entirely different things... i haven't been eating well, haven't been sleeping well, haven't been exercising regularly... so it's no wonder i got sick... my immune system is shot right about now and i'm struggling to try and care... anyway, i think i needed to write about this to at least get myself to contemplate getting back on the wagon again... i don't know why i thought this journey was going to be all peaches and cream... well, it's NOT... and now i don't even want to get on a scale to see what kind of damage i've done... right now, not knowing is my best option... we'll see how long i keep this up... i just need prayer-- for discipline, for the ability to be totally honest with myself and for the ability to deal with my emotions and not use food as some sort of pacifier... ok... enough... i need to get outta here...

Still Here...

so i'm still here, but just barely hanging on to my raw food... not sure what happened, but i'm on some sort of binge cycle again... it's not as bad as it could be i guess... i'm just eating regular food and more fast food than i think i should... i'm exploring some other health choices... trying to be temperate... i'm supposed to be sleeping, but my sister came to visit over the weekend and my 10pm bedtime went out the door... lol... we stayed up every "night"... 'till 3 or 4 AM!!!... talking and watching movies... then she left on sunday and i kept staying up late... now my parents came to visit for the week and i'm up watching tv with my mom... just ate two oranges... at least they were raw... i'm investigating something called calorie cycling and i'm going to see if i can incorporate it somehow into my healthful lifestyle... want to see if/how it will affect my weight... although of course my lifestyle change is not about weight... but i still want to feel less heavy... i haven't exercised since last week... my back is still not 100% back to normal (i had a back spasm a couple weeks ago)... anyway, i just thought i'd check in since i haven't been hanging out here as much as i wanted to... i think i might be avoiding something... but i'm not sure what... i always seem to run from my emotions... we'll see if i can dig deeper this time... anyway, i need to actually go to sleep... daylight seems to come so fast...

Happy New Year... and Long Time No Blog!!!... lol

so christmas came and went... it was fabulous... spent an entire week with my parents and even prepared a raw day for them... the day after christmas was our raw day... fitting, since i clearly needed a serious cleanse... lol... and then new years came and went... i attended a new years eve party and then did something i KNEW i shouldn't have done... i made some ridiculous "resolutions" in my head about how the new year was going to be and then promptly proceeded to do a double flip, triple pirouette and twist as i dove off the raw food wagon and straight into the SAD binge of a lifetime... it would have rated a 12 on a ten point scale if olympic judges were evaluating my performance... it caused even me to stop and pause for a moment... but clearly, i didn't pause long enough... i can honestly say that i have been terrified of getting back on the scale to see just what kind of havoc i have wreaked on my lifestyle plan over the holidays... so i came up with a new plan... NO SCALE... at least, not until i go for my doctors visit in march... i'm just going to work my plan and plan my work and see where that takes me... i don't want this to be about the scale... blood pressure remains good, but blood sugar is way too high... so i know what i need to do... by the end of the first week i set a new start date for my lifestyle changes... and on the 10th of january i began... just five steps for me to follow on a weekly basis... 1) i must have a raw breakfast every morning... 2) i must do at least one day per week at 100% raw... 3) i must exercise at least two days per week for at least 15 minutes doing some type of interval and/or strength training... 4) i must not eat after 8pm... if i'm absolutely starving and HAVE to have something, it must be raw... and 5) i must go upstairs by 10:30pm and be in bed by 11 each night... the last one was really hard for me (i'm a night owl)... but i can honestly say that i was 100% successful for seven days... i had a slight relapse today and i'm still up... anyway, my goal is to do this again for this week... i can't change the past, but i can control this moment and plan for the future... that being said, i think i should try to go to sleep even though i'm technically off tomorrow... i'll be back :)... hopefully sooner than it took me to get back last time... lol